“Bangkok” Dangerous

Bangkok Dangerous

On the way to a hot assignment in the Thai capital to kill four targets for a mysterious local client, mullet-headed assassin Nick Cage explains and demonstrates the rules of his business using one of the least inflected vocal performances of his illustriously flat-toned career – the highlights being “always kill your hired help” and “don’t get into relationships with real people”.

Bangkok Dubious

Monotonal mullet-headed murderer Nick Cage goes to the trouble of telling us his “warrior code” only to immediately break it like wind by, first, voluntarily becoming a mentor-figure to his latest low-rent translator/gofer, who quickly turns wannabe killer thanks to all the (taking) life lessons Nick has under his parental wing; and second, by falling in puppy-love with a conveniently deaf pharmaceutical shop worker, who doesn’t notice when he shoots people over her shoulder and is presumably able to find his stroke-victim style expression charming because she can’t hear all his tuneless droning. Like we can.

Bangkok Obvious

Despite sporting the kind of jarring hair-style guaranteed to draw the eye wherever he goes, slouch-faced one-note mullet-headed hitman Nick Cage succeeds in offing his acceptably “bad” victims number one, two and three without attracting too much attention to himself, earning the doe-eyed respect of his young padewan into the bargain, only to have him draw a flattering comparison to the much-loved hero of the people politician who is, oh yes, target number four. And the deaf chick sees a blood stain and dumps him.

Bangkok Ridiculous

Faced with killing someone who is apparently nice, though apparently not for the first time, droop-jawed drawl mouth mullet-headed idiot slayboy Nick Cage conveniently gives himself a moral back-door to edge out of – but when his best ever pal in the world gets kidnapped by his unhappy client Nick has no qualms about taking out the trash on the way to getting him back again. He fights his way to the badman, but there’s only one bullet left in his gun. He’s broken all his rules, the authorities are closing in, his girl and his only friend are safe but he can never make them happy – and if he shoots the target there’s no way he’ll ever get away. Fortunately, he comes up with an easy way out…

To put it mildly, it sucks. Believe me when I say, I’m being –

Bangkok Generous

[Feel free to substitute an offensive gerund of your choice for the place-holder word “Bangkok”… I used “fucking”.]

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