Kill List

I was watching Mark Kermode videos on Youtube one day and I saw his top eleven movies of 2011 – wonderful, I thought, I should go and watch some of these.

Another Three Short Reviews

Again, three short reviews submitted to InMadrid, the friendly face of English-speaking free newspapers in Spain’s capital; and again, presented here in order of appreciation (if not exactly that of artistic merit, whatever that means). I liked the first one so much I’ve now reviewed it twice…

Watchmen

For some, Watchmen: The Movie might appear to be The Incredibles taking itself “just a bit” too seriously – masked heroes outlawed, reaching middle age and going soft around the middle; plus, naturally, a monologuing villain – but when Alan Moore wrote the original graphic novel he – excuse me while I put on my other pair of glasses – was playing around with his readers’ expectations of what made a superhero story in about as many ways as he played around with what made a superhero. Undermining stereotypes of shiny flying quarterbacks, virginal playboy combat models, and powerful alien visitors attempting to comprehend the relationships of their human friends; instead we were presented with something which it would be hard to call more realistic, but which was certainly more earthy.

“Bangkok” Dangerous

On the way to a hot assignment in the Thai capital to kill four targets for a mysterious local client, mullet-headed assassin Nick Cage explains and demonstrates the rules of his business using one of the least inflected vocal performances of his illustriously flat-toned career – the highlights being “always kill your hired help” and “don’t get into relationships with real people”.

Sex and the City: The Movie

It would be easy for me to mock the film of Sex and the City, but it would also be unfair. I’m not a member of the audience it is meant for and it is reasonable to expect many people to approach this film with real anticipation and for them to get a lot out of it. I’m not narrowing this field down to “women” or “gay men” or whatever, I’m narrowing it down to a highly specific demographic: fans of the original series. I don’t really think there is a more general appeal – if you didn’t watch the series, there is no point in coming to these characters so late in the game and expecting to feel much of anything for what goes on.

Possession

I’ve got a review of Sex in the City in the Movie to write, but I’m having trouble plucking up the courage, so to properly set myself up for such a distressing ordeal I thought I’d watch a deliberate horror film. What shall it be, I wondered – oh, why not the one that Mark Kermode mentioned recently, what was it? Oh yes:

Possession, made in 1981. I couldn’t have picked anything better.

What follows is an approximate synopsis, fully laden with spoilers, so if brain-hurtingly nonsensical horror-bullshit- hybrids are your thing, skip the rest and watch it direct. If it isn’t, what the hell are you still reading for?

Indiana Jones and the Theme Park of the Fibreglass Cycle Helmet

“Dad! Dad!”

“Yes, son?”

“Can we go on to the Fibreglass Cycle Helmet Theme Park? Oh, pleeeeease!”

“Well, I don’t know, son. Dad’s only just got back from his trip to the desert with his English pal Mac. We went swinging with some crazy Russian chick and her “friends”. Mac was swinging from my side to hers, I was swinging all over the place. It was great!”

“Swinging, dad?”

“Yes, son, and I’m all tired out. It isn’t always a good idea to do so much swinging at my age. Not that I wasn’t up to it, mind you. That crazy Russian chick got exactly what she came here for, let me tell you.”

“What was that, dad?”

“Er, well, wait until you’re a bit older – let’s just say I went off like a rocket and there was just a huge explosion and – erm – kind of, sand squirrels, everywhere. I’m not totally sure why, but it might be because Ewoks would have stretched things beyond breaking point.”

“D’you mean like Richard Gere did with the hamste-”

“Let’s just go to the park, son, okay?”

“Yaaaaaaay!”

Vacancy

It’s a brave decision to make a horror film where you really, really wish someone would just chop the heads off the protagonists early on and then film the crimson-pumping stumps for an hour or so until the credits rolled… but then don’t. Unfortunately this is the path the makers of Vacancy decided to wander down, patting at the air like a drunken blind man with a bad cold emerging from a heavy-metal concert and staggering towards a silage pit. Therefore I’m stuffing the rest of this post with spoilers whenever I feel like it because to do otherwise would be dishonest of me, as if it matters.